We Should Go to France

We Should Go to France

We should go to paris,
We should go and dance
Cause no one really likes us
We should go to France
The promise that you gave me
This, this, this is gonna last
But no one really likes us
We should go to France

We’ve been taking it slow, oh, oh, oh
But now it’s time to ask
Do you even like me,
This is it your chance
The promise that you gave me
This, this, this is gonna last
But you don’t even like me
Alone I’ll go to France

I want to be, I want to be

The one you love
So listen to me
I don’t want to be the one you lost
I want to be, I want to be
The one you love
So listen to me
I don’t want to be the one you lost
I want to be, I want to be
The one you love
So listen to me
I don’t want to be the one you lost

We should have gone to Paris
We should have had that dance
Cause no one really liked us
We should have gone to France.

帶狀皰疹 II

拿了抗病毒藥物回家，心理不再那麼惶恐。只是頭部左側的神經仍是抽痛不已、整個人疲累不堪、不時發燒，完全是靠著普拿疼壓住發熱的症狀，稍稍緩解難耐的痛楚。接下來的兩天，整個人病懨懨，躺在床鋪上，甚麼事情都做不了。勉強自己吃三餐、服藥、倒頭睡，然後汗流浹背地起來，到浴室洗個熱水澡。才稍微快活，然後重複進食、吃藥、睡覺、滿身大汗、沖澡的循環。 第三天、第四天、第五天過去了，那是五月的第二個星期日；母親節。我允諾母親回家過節，吃飯，我步履蹣跚的拖著病體，回到台中。沒精打采的，我真是沒力氣。一路上我走路搖搖晃晃，彷彿就是被放在一整個傾斜的平面上，我得使勁地平衡。 我真不知道該怎麼形容這樣的感覺: 我的地是斜的，傾向右邊，走路搖頭晃腦的，連E都看出我走路總是偏向一邊。我沒辦法跑。彷彿像是一艘觸礁的船，沉沒之日不遠矣。我沒耐心好好地跟SR說話，在越洋電話裏面數度面臨溝通的窘境。SR說他相當擔心，我明白他真是相當擔心，但無奈頭痛消退的速度緩慢，而整個人的平衡感也日漸消失。 銷假上班，總共請了四天的病假，回到公司還得跟眾人講述如何生病等等，這時頭已經不痛了，但我的地平線仍是斜的。本來想過幾天平衡感就會漸漸回復，怎知道我的左臉竟然麻痺了，在如何的擠眉弄眼都沒反應，真是心慌，不知道能否恢復。臺大醫院的醫師說這是顏面神經受損，是頭部帶狀皰疹的常見副作用，要至少兩個星期才會漸漸恢復，但也不一定可以完全恢復，給了我維他命A要我回家休養。 日子一天天過去，臉部神經沒有絲毫復原的跡象，心急之餘趕緊找了一個針灸大夫；也許真是醫術高明，他的診所滿是老王賣瓜的成功醫療案例，非常驕傲的要我放心，及時找到他可以很快復原。我總共去了兩次，每一次臉上、頭頂上都是插滿著針，好不難受，但臉部麻痺的情況也竟從此漸漸好轉，前後共一個多月，我才從帶狀皰疹的各種後遺症恢復。 我從沒有這麼病過，在一個多月的期間裡，走在傾斜的馬路上，面對的日落的街道盡頭，心裡滿是絕望與無助的感覺；只是現在回想起來，像是船過水無痕了，曾經如此椎心刺骨的痛楚竟然就這麼消逝無蹤。但這也是好的，要不然留下永久的後遺症可真難以想像。 這就是人生吧，甚麼都留不住。好的壞的都是。留不住。

浮躁

2011年編號第六號的米雷颱風沒有登陸，星期六下午兩點鐘已經放晴，陽光露臉，晚上接著下了點雨，雨後台北的夏夜徐徐清風，一個人在家的我不甘寂寞，盛裝打扮出門去。

當然我要去的地方是La Boca，西班牙文「嘴」的意思。不明白為何一個同志酒吧要取名叫嘴， 我想下次我該向老闆問個明白。這個酒吧在台北市知名的仁愛路延吉街交叉口，位在菁華市中心的向弄裡。2010年的八月開幕。我認為:La Boca的開幕標誌了一個新時代的開始：同志酒吧不再隱身於老舊的林森北路八條通，抑不在老舊而亟待更新的西門町；或是和各商圈青黃不接的金南南路信義路。由西向東的擴張標示的從隱匿的邪門歪道趨於主流。

台北的許多人事物一向具有濃烈的當地特色，無論是存在於林森北路向弄中的日本殖民和福佬的Hybrid氛圍，或是西門町在往日繁華褪去力圖復興振作的情懷；在當中總可以發現屬於當地特色以及厚重的年代感。或許是台北真的念舊，時間過去了，那一代人卻還在那裏，成就台北由西向東猶如光譜般的漸層。

La Boca和其他的同志酒吧不同；店裡面的裝飾和酒單上的酒少了台灣特有的時代滄桑或是在地化的氣質。這裡是新世代的天堂，全球化的浪潮深刻反映在台北的同志圈裏面，酒吧的中央不再是供反串妖人跳舞的高台，裝飾走的是低調沉穩的Loft風格；受歡迎的酒水不再是塑膠杯、台灣啤酒、冰塊和梅子的組合，而是催情的Long Island Ice Tea；音響傳出的音樂不是台中恰恰，而是Top 40的輪播。那裏是新世代同志的天堂。

推了門進到LaBoca，形形色色的同志你儂我儂、觥籌交錯、把酒言歡。和台北的同志交流其實真是不難，幾杯黃湯下肚甚麼人也都可以稱兄道弟，結為姊妹。而每個浮躁的青春猶如一朵朵盛開的花，在酒場裡面言不及義。美好時光好像可以就此凝結，拋開日常的煩惱。

Are you gay ?

This Saturday night I devoted to spend some time with my colleagues. It is much easier for me to get closer to them when being frank about my self being gay.
We went to Spark and had a table. Dancing is fun. Just there's no guys to hug and touch.

I noticed there is this table with many hot and young Witte people. European faces.

I wonder who they are and can not help keep staring at one of the cute guys.

I sit down and kept staring at them. I had eye contacts with one of the young boy and I said hi to him. I can tell his response was positive while he was a bit shy. "What do you do in Taipei ?," I said. " I am a model," he told me.
"I think you are cute,"I said. " I think you are cute too," he replied. "Are you gay?" "Yes I am"

I then held his hand and we went to the toilet room in Spark. What an encounter.

Safe fun

Safe fun is the display name of V's profile. He was staying in W hotel in Taipei for organizing the luxurious PR event.

It was 8 o'clock on a tiresome weekday where I felt suffocating by my work.
I contacted V and wonder if he would actually desire an encounter. His reply was swift and certain by asking me if I had condom and lube. I suggested I will go buy the stuffs on the way there to meet up with him, which is literally 20 mins later.

He was waiting for me at the 10th floor lobby at the W hotel sitting in the rounded sofa right out of the elevators.

V is a tall fit French with elegant shaped body, he asked me if I am shy when seeing him. Yes I am, I am shy because I thought he's quite hot and I am shy because I was trying to hide the excitement of having him.

We started kissing after our small talks and my showering. His nose was delicate and pointing. I can feel his nose gently touch my cheek and lips.

He started getting aggressive by putting his fingers into my asshole. I can feel he was putting one finger, 2 fingers and then 3 fingers. Not much later he was trying to put him his cock. "I want you to feel every inch of my dick," he said with his eyes staring with mine.
The fuck we had was insane with him trying to get as deep inside me as possible. He moved me around the room. We were fucking on the tap holder of the bathtub so that we can both see each other enjoying from the mirror.

The ending scene was on the stage sofa right next to the window. He tied my hands with the bathrobes tie. He came inside me.

Our post-coital conversation was about if my parents knowing me gay, and our works. He also told me not getting the ultra thin condom next time because it would be safer for gay sex.

That's indeed true. The condom broke entirely when K was fucking me hard in Shanghai. He threw away the condom and keep fucking me. It was bareback.

Lyrics - 故鄉

作詞：雷光夏
作曲：日本民謠

陽光照　雲霧飄　那一座山
波光耀　魚兒游　彎彎小溪
我的故鄉　在遠方　又在我夢裡
回憶起朋友們　今在何方

每當狂風暴雨　總會想起
故鄉的山林　悠悠氣息
父親母親在遠方　又在我夢裡
何時能再見到　想念的你

每當狂風暴雨　總會想起
故鄉的山林　悠悠氣息
父親母親在遠方　又在我夢裡
何時能再見到　深愛的你

帶狀皰疹 I

有統計指出，人的一生當中有15-20%的機率，會出現帶狀皰疹發作；而亦有研究指出，HIV感染者的出現帶狀皰疹的機率，是同年齡人的15倍以上（請看這裡）。若是說帶狀皰疹是HIV感染者的宿命，那也不為過吧。我這樣默默地安慰自己，因為帶狀皰疹找上我了。

我趁著勞動節的假期，到新加坡和SR見面。回程的路途上，便不時感到頭暈腦脹，左側的耳朵也不時隱隱做痛。本來以為是扁桃腺發炎加上耳朵上的青春痘，休息一會兒便會復原。在飛機上也累積到不少疲累，星期天晚上還是了按摩院馬了一節。無奈疲累依舊、神經緊繃。
星期二到了公司上班，一整天仍是渾渾噩噩。好不容易拖到了下班時間，當天晚上也就倒頭就睡。直到第二天早上，頭痛依舊、發熱；索性向公司請了一天假。一直到下午才隨意找了一間耳鼻喉科看看。那個醫生也就隨意看看，說我是扁桃腺發炎，隨手開了幾顆抗生素，便叫我回去好好休息。

當天午夜，發熱、頭透欲裂。原本隱隱作痛的左耳，疼痛的感覺變的劇烈難耐。難以入眠。我對著鏡子想要看看到底耳廓上生了甚麼東西。何以青春痘可以讓人這般難受。後來在照相機的幫助下，我看到像似唇皰疹的潰瘍，我才了解那應當是皰疹，而不是青春痘。只是這次不在唇上，而在耳廓。馬上塗了醫生先前開給我的Zovirax，側身躺在床上，伴著不時傳來的抽痛，睡去。

星期四，跟公司再請了一天假，上午到台大醫院去，耳鼻喉科醫生說是帶狀皰疹；我看著住院醫師交代護士特別拿了一組診察器，上面包著綠色的手術布，是為了防止HIV感染。醫生仔細地看著我的左耳，說還好沒找到內耳裡。在我的病歷上畫了一只耳朵，用紅色蠟筆在上面點出一顆顆的皰疹。

這個當下我想起將近五年前的我；生大學四年級的暑假。那時我正忙著參加創業比賽，決賽也就迫在眉睫；另一方面又開始忙碌的實習生涯。蠟燭兩頭燒。我當天摸到下巴的淋巴結突然腫大，急急忙忙地到宿舍附近的國軍門診中心看病。那個醫生用驚恐的表情說著我該去大醫院看血液腫瘤科。一時之間我好像突然面臨死亡。

趕緊到了台大醫院，我跟護士說我要掛號，血液腫瘤科；護士露出訝異的表情，便再向我確定一次，說那通常是給癌症病人看的。我向護士敘述了我的情況，護士便幫我掛了耳鼻喉科，說我者麼年輕應該不至於要去看血液腫瘤科。臺大醫院病人相當多，那天下午我坐在耳鼻喉科外的椅子上，夏天太陽西曬，曬得我在椅子暈睡過去。好不容易輪到我，已經是下午五點多。實習醫生仔細看了看我，也在病歷上畫了我嘴邊的瘡傷和腫大的淋巴結。說我是長了單純皰疹，淋巴結也才突然腫起，應該是壓力大以及太過疲累的緣故。甚麼藥都沒開，便令我回家好好休息。

一轉眼五年過去，我又回到這個台大耳鼻喉科的診間，診間已經翻新，又再次看到師生用蠟筆在我得病例畫上病灶，轉瞬已經五年，而我也不再是當年的年輕小夥子，可以回家休息便會康復。住院醫生說我還要讓主治大夫看一遍，情況算是比較嚴重；主治大夫說還好沒影響到聽力，叫我動一動臉，說帶狀皰疹很容易影響到顏面神經。囑咐我要隨時注意，有任何情況都要回診。他開了Valtrex，是對抗皰疹的特效藥。我當時坐在看診的椅子上，想著五年前的那個下午，真不知道五年前的我，是不是有料想到這一景況。我仍然坐在這個台大醫院的耳鼻喉科看診的椅子上，離死亡又更接近一點。當時的我只想著怎麼邁向未來，一心朝著目標前進；現在的我還是這麼想，只是心理多點疙瘩，感染HIV令許多情變得複雜而棘手。儘管如此，我想今天的我，在事業還是離當初的初衷不遠，勉強可以算是一步一步地達到目標，只是面臨HIV的威脅，現在得隨時得抵禦各種疾病、得隨時提醒自己不要忘記吃藥、得常常回到這個台大醫院，領取賴以為生的抗病毒藥物。